#1075: No more songs to sing, only this last serenade.

Always have the urge to type out a long post, expressing all my feelings. You don't know how much I wish I can type out all my fears/regrets/frustrations here. But then again I know that this space isn't read by me alone and that the words I post here have an impact on other people. Which is why I do not post much personal thoughts here, merely pictorial updates about what's going on in my life.

Maybe it's just 'cuz it's late and I'm still awake and that's why I have all these thoughts running through my head, all these scenarios that are playing out like a movie. 

Some times I wish I could turn back the hands of time and relive the moments in the past again just because I used to believe.

I used to think that love conquers all, and I used to believe in fairytales, that I would find my Prince Charming one day and that I'll live happily ever after. I do know that quarrels happen and disagreements with our choices are bound to occur but it's all about compromising, giving and taking. #boywasiwrong

I've loved, I've lost. I've been scarred and I'm afraid. So afraid that I know I'm pretty sure that I'll never be able to give my all to anyone anymore. I used to not understand what my friend meant by being scarred and being afraid to love again. But now I know, I understand, I am living in that fear everyday. I have nothing more to give because everything I had, I gave. I lost, I got hurt. 

What made it all the more worse is that I really believed that he was my Price Charming. I really thought he would be the one I would live with, 'till death do us part and all that. And because of that, I gave my all. I was scared before he came into the picture, he knew that. He convinced me that he was different, and that I was special. Guess I wasn't, 'cuz he just broke me up all over again. Baby, you built me up just to tear me back down.

It's been nearly a year and there are moments when I still feel sad, not because I wish he was still in my life and that we were still together, but because he tore my dreams apart and I have never been able to muster the strength to believe in or have faith in them again. There's no point crying over spilled milk they say, but when it's your dreams that are broken, yeah, I think I have the right to cry over them every once in a while.

My past made me who I am today. And I believe that with every mistake I made, I grow a little and I become a little bit stronger. That's why even though there are times that I wish I could turn back the hands of time and relive the moment I made the mistake just to change my reaction/action to what happened, I know that ultimately everything happens for a reason and there must be a reason why things happen the way they did.

Do not take it that I am not happy. I am. I am a firm believer that happiness is a choice and I will always choose to be happy. I have my health, my family, my friends, my bunny and God in my life. Nothing gets better than this. 

But once in a while, there are still moments whereby I wish I can really entrust my heart and my soul to someone that will never let me down.

Maybe I'll find him one day. Maybe he already is in my life. Only God knows, and I will know too in time to come.

'till my next post, I bid you all good night and that happiness will reign in your life, always.

X