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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

More than words.

Music: Avril Lavigne - Why.



Why, do you always do this to me? Why, couldn't you just see through me?



How come, you act like this, like you just don't care at all?



Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?







I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away.



I can feel, I can feel you baby, why?









It's not supposed to feel this way, I need you, I need you, more and more each day.



It's not supposed to hurt this way, I need you, I need you, I need you.



Tell me, are you and me still together? Tell me, do you think we could last forever?



Tell me, why



Hey, listen to what we're not saying. Let's play, a different game than what we're playing.



Try, to look at me and really see my heart.



Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?









I can feel, I can feel you near me, even when you're far away.



I can feel, I can feel you baby, why







It's not supposed to feel this way, I need you, I need you, more and more each day.

It's not supposed to hurt this way, I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together? Tell me, you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why.



So go and think about whatever you need to think about

Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream about

And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel


I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why




It's not supposed to hurt this way, I need you, I need you, more and more each day.

It's not supposed to hurt this way, I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me





It's not supposed to hurt this way, I need you, I need you, more and more each day.

It's not supposed to hurt this way, I need you, I need you, I need you.

Tell me, are you and me still together? Tell me, do you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why.






Been thinking about many many things last night, and early this morning, so much so that I've been feeling restless, can't concentrate on anything that's really happening around me.

Couldn't eat lunch, can't focus on anything around me, tell me, what am I supposed to do right now.

Am supposed to be making Christmas cards today, but fxck, I'm in no mood to be writing festive greetings or creating creative pictures out of blank papers.

Probably I should state what's gotten me into such a mood, in such a state of fxcked up-ness, well, one word, love.



I haven't really thought about leaving Desmond before, I mean, yeah, I did, once, a long time ago. I can't even remember why I thought about it.

But last night, I didn't even think about it, I just knew I needed a break from everything, I was feeling damn fxcking depressed over nothing in particular, just feeling pissed off with the world and everyone and everything in it.

I was on the phone with Desmond all throughout.

Guess I pissed him off pretty badly with all my "fxck"s and every other thing which I said.


I'm sorry that I'm not in a better mood to talk, I just don't feel like saying anything, don't feel like doing anything, just leave me and my mood alone.


I thought that after sleeping it away, I'll feel better in the morning, haha, over my fat ass will it go away.

So I've been thinking, how love got me into all this mess in the first place.



If it wasn't for love, I would be free to go out with whoever I want to, to wherever my heart fancied.

If it wasn't for love, I would be free to do anything I want, not needing to care if I hurt some one else's feelings in the course.

If it wasn't for love, I would not be in such a foul mood all of last night, and probably for the whole of today, and hopefully, not tomorrow.

If it wasn't for love, I would probably be out with a million friends, instead of neglecting most of them, 'cuz I was spending all my time with my boyfriend.

If it wasn't for love, I would most likely be working some job with my friends, instead of being stuck at home right now, doing nothing.

If it wasn't for love, I will not have any of the problems I have right now.



They say money is the root of all evil. If that's really so, then love is the root of all problems.

Yet, despite everything, how misunderstood I feel most of the time, how unhappy I get whenever he does something which I don't understand. Too many things to name all at once.

But one thing I know I hate the most, is when we quarrel, yet never manage to solve the problem, we just push it aside, and when some thing of the similar topic happens again, we start the quarrel all over again, racking up past scars and pulling them all into the fresh air again.


I'm sick and tired of going through the motion over and over, once is fine, twice is boring, thrice and above, fxck off.


I'm not trying to rack up past sores right now, 'cuz based on what I see, there's no point, nothing will get solved, 5 months baby, it's going to be 5 months worth of scores to settle, yet I know nothing will change.


Now that I've more or less let out some steam, I feel a bit better. As usual, blogging out my frustrations is still the best way.



Yet, I have to be frank and say that love's probably one of the best things that has happened to me.


If it wasn't for love, I'll never know what it feels like to be in heaven on earth whenever I'm in Desmond's arms.

If it wasn't for love, I would never have understood how it was to put some one else's feelings in front of mine, and to do things that a normal person will never understand.

If it wasn't for love, I would never have tried to become a better person than the one I was before, just to please the one I love.

If it wasn't for love, I would never have known how just by catching a glimpse of the one I love, can make me smile like there's no tomorrow.


Despite the many quarrels which we have had, are having, or will have, I will always love Desmond Mah.

Despite all the times he has never understood me, I'll always love Desmond Mah.

Despite all the wrong he has ever done to me, I'll still, always, love Desmond Mah.



No matter what thunder storms there is for us to endure, I'll never bail and run away from it all.

I'll face all of the unpleasantness, if only he's there by my side, to hold my hand through, no matter what happens, I want to be the one who's there by his side too, to brave through everything together.



I've never regretted being with Desmond, hear that baby? I've never regretted.

I've only regretted not being the best I can be to him, not being the sweetest tempered, or the most thoughtful girl friend he has ever had.

I can never be the best to him, and it's too late to change the way things were before, but it's never too late to try and change the present, and the future.


I don't know how I'm going to pull that over, but imma willing to try.


Wait and see.

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