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Sunday, August 24, 2008

If everyone loved and nobody lied.

The greatest war ever fought, is the war in the mind of a girl, young and in love. Between her mind screaming a warning telling her 'There's no such things as fairy tales.' and her heart quietly whispering, 'you never know.'

Thought I had the upper hand, thought I knew what I wanted and that I'd get it.
Yet now, I realize that I know nothing at all, neither do I have anything.
Tell me, baby, how is it possible that I knew everything a few days ago and now, everything that I thought will be there always, seems so.. nonexistent?

Last night, I've realized that so many things can change in a matter of messages, let alone the next 2 months.
On Friday, someone messaged you telling you that some girl wanted your number, you gave it to her(?).
Then, she started messaging you, last night to.
Firstly, say it's a girl's intuition or something, I don't know but I could tell that some thing was amiss.
Why would a girl ask for a guy's number if she's not interested or something?
That got me into one of my moods and you could tell immediately.
You asked if I was jealous, I said no.
It wasn't jealousy, it was just an indescribable feeling that some thing's wrong.
You assured me, telling me that what, she like some one else too but not together yet.. blah blah.
So what?
If some one who's in a relationship can fall for some one else, why not some one who's not even in a relationship?
Moreover.. As Sky used to say.
Relationship can break.
Married can divorce.
Parents and child can disown.
So why the hell not?

Then last night, she messaged you again.
I told myself, forget it, but it still did affect me considerably.
You suddenly told me that she seems to like you.
Should I have gone "I FXCKING TOLD YOU SO!"?
Maybe I should have, but I didn't.
Instead, I chose to remain silent, not trusting myself to say anything more.
You sensed that some things was wrong, yet I refused to tell you what was up.
I've recently realized that I can't tell you what's on my mind any more, I don't trust myself with my thoughts voiced out 'cuz I know once I get started, it will get out of hand.
If you really want to know what has been running through my mind for the past few days, here's what it is.

I'm afraid to lose you.
It's been so long since I last felt like I wanted to quit drifting between different romances and settle down for a long-term one.
Take a look at the whole of this year, I've wasted my time floating from one guy to another.
None lasting more than a mere few days, yet I still fell time and time again.
Thought this type of lifestyle was the best, after all, I wasn't ready to commit myself into a real relationship.
Seemed too much hustle and bustle, rather just play my time away.
Yet I remember the first time that I really looked you in the eyes. I was thinking to myself, there'll never be anyone else.
Worked through my insecurities, some how, you've managed to convince me that you're for real this time.
Not like those other guys who make promises and the next day, some how manage to break all of them.

But now.. I'm not so sure anymore.

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